RETURN of the PRODUCT

Return of the product...of the environment. Was my last blog really on Tuesday? TUESDAY?! It's eons ago! Oh well, make the best of it, mix yourself up some white grape juice and Skyy Berry and call me in the morning. 8:30? It's so early! I am fighting back...fighting back against the sun that seems to rise and wake me up every g'damn morning at 5 o'clock. Really sun? Really 5 o'clock? Not cool. I have blinds but I have no curtains. I need curtains. I think I may have mentioned in a past blog that it's darker in my room with the blinds OPEN than it is when they are CLOSED. Well I'm not going to take it anymore. *pause to sip drink* Delicious. I have push pins and I have towels and blankets and they are now covering the two windows in the bedroom. So clever. So fly. *pause to sip drink again* Maxwell is back, and apart from a slight sunburn on his face, seems to be all in one piece. We went to the Pacific Science Center to see the IMAX dinosaur film for a 3rd time (it's how we doo!) and he rode on some rides at Seattle Center, had lunch, hung out at my place, then headed over to this little park in Renton (not crazy ass Coulon) which is on Lake Washington and it's got this little beach area and playground and no one is ever there. I love it. (DAMN that was a fucking long run-on sentence!!) Max fell asleep tonight in a record breaking 5 minutes so I was a happy daddy. It was very odd to not have him around for so long. I'd like to say I feel re-charged but mr.sun is f'in with the kid. Did anyone see the BET Awards? Normally I wouldnt tune in but apparently Public Enemy closed out the show with a tribute to James Brown. DOPE. I'm sure it's up on youtube, I just haven't checked yet. iPhone is out now and I still want one. They're sick. They make me want to throw up and hurl with joy. Have you seen anything like it before? No. No, you have not. Watch as every other cell phone maker trys to play catch up and then they'll try and say it's better than the iPhone. Good luck with that fuckers. Damn, you are so grumpy and mean! I'm not. I just think it's funny that every critic has something to say about the iPhone - trust me, it will set the standard of how a cell phone should be....and this is only first generation. Check out the new model a year from now. Shit will probably hover next to your ear when you're talking for 5000 minutes. Get down, get down, party time. Damn, forgot about my drink...hold up!!...wait a minute! TASTY. Tomorrow, more outdoor time at the park, at the beach, whatever my boy wants to do. It really and truly is all about him and whatever he wants. No major malfunctions here. We stay fly on the real to real. The sun is down now and it's extra dark in my room...love it. Who's the boss now mr.sun?! Me! Me! Dat's who! Who needs to buy curtains? ME! So I guess I'll close off here. If you've been reading this not under the influence of alcohol - shame on you - pour yourself a little sumthin' sumthin'...you'll thank me later. This is how we doo...almost every damn day so bear witness and above all, press rewind if I haven't blown ya mind - STAY FLY..........

I'M in PARADISE NOW

When you leave, take me with you. Get your face off of the screen. Write anything that comes to mind. Quickly. Type type type muthafunkaz! It's 31 minutes until midnight. The pressure is on but like Erick Sermon on his first solo album after the break up of EPMD - No Pressure. Is my signal coming in okay? Can you hear me now? Shut the fuck up little Verizon man! How much longer can they possibly keep THAT going? Verizon is one of the single largest contributors to the republikkkan party. True dat. Might wanna cancel that contract. I'm just sayin' though. Where has Teen Titans gone? Max and I would watch it all the time and there's been no new episodes in about a year now. Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a kids cartoon advisor. Max is doing good by the way, he went swimming today and is looking forward to coming home to stay with daddy and watch the IMAX dinosaur movie again and go to Gameworks. Word to my Maxwell. I'm typing as fast as I can, gimme a break. 27 minutes until midnight...chillin' at AM/PM....coolin' drinkin' apple juice in Evil's B-M...(Ice-T reference, sorry) So, how's everyone doing tonight? All 8 of you!! WHUT UP?! Howyoudoodat?! Why am I not sleeping? My eyes are going to burn in the morning. They'll be screaming at me saying, hey stupid bastard, go to bed a little earlier. And I'll say, fuck you eyes, I'm the boss. Shut up, drink your mocha and be happy. Delicious. I'm trying to cut back on the evils of caffeine. Instead of a 12oz tomorrow - 8oz. Always thinking. Always thinking. So clever. So tired. This blog is all over the damn place. People who once said you're a good writer will never read this blog again....and then what? I'll be down to possibly 3 or 4 people reading it. Readership, not that great. Can I get some beer in a keg from your garage? No? It's all gone? Who could have possibly drank it all?? Pass the champagne. Pass the champagne. Actually, the temptation to eat a big bowl of Honey Smacks is definitely a possibility. What's not to like? Puffed wheat coated in sugar! Nothing like getting your heart racing right as you're wanting to go to sleep. 21 minutes until midnight. I'll probably wake up tomorrow at around....6 in the morning, police at my door, fresh Adidas squeakin' cross the bathroom floor...out the back window to make my escape, didn't even get a chance to grab my old school tape. (sorry, Ice-T again) So I think my job is done here for this evening. I really must catch mad zed's. DOOITDOOITDOOIT. Hungry for Honey Smacks. That g'damn frog and his honey smacks! In closing, I'd like to remind all of you that is highly advisable to stay fly all day every day. YA HEARD?! I'm out.....zzzzz aka:zedzedzedzedzed........

Shhh...I CAN HEAR you BREATHING

Quiet down over there! Don't you know that some people are trying to work? Or in this case, trying to eat 7 tacos and 4 beers? Hey, it's HOWWEDOO so do it do it do it. Shout out to my man The Warrior Of Chaos who almost spits out coffee onto his keyboard reading my blogs. I swear I did not mean to steal that mans parking space. I felt awful. Must have apologized a record breaking 4 or 5 times. Wanted to buy him....a NEW CAR! I wonder what Bob Barker is doing...right...this...minute? Probably laid up with Dian Parkinson. Hey lady, roll Bobby another blunt! I really did eat 7 tacos. Sue me. I threw together a mix tonight. Ready for this line up? You're not ready. Chaka Khan & Rufus, De La Soul & Carl Thomas, Lauryn Hill, The Spinners, Common & D'Angelo, Michael Jackson, Guru & Angie Stone, Prince, Dr.Dre & Mary J Blige, Timbaland & Aaliyah, Kanye West, D'Angelo, Beyonce, Talib Kweli & Faith Evans, Alicia Keys, LL Cool J & Boys II Men and Erykah Badu. Number one - I am ready for another Alicia Keys album. Number two - ummm...crap, I just lost thought number two. Paging thought number two. Where you at? HOLLAATCHABOY!!! I wonder what the paycheck for Prince looked like from Verizon. Lots of 0's. DOLLAR DOLLAR BILLS Y'ALL!! Did I mention I saw Knocked Up yesterday? No, of course not, because I posted nothing since Saturday. Knocked Up was great. Very funny, perfect casting, I really really liked it. You know what I didn't like? Shrek 3. But I think I already talked about that one so let's move on. I wonder what Boys II Men are doing...right...this...minute? Doing a little east coast swing perhaps? Dammit, what was that number two point I was gonna make??? The thought escapes me. Oh, but to jump back to The Warrior Of Chaos for a second - his daughter Grace aka: Baby G, aka: G'ed Up From The Feet Up, aka: Ain't Nuthin' But A G Thing, aka: G style is 4 months now and growing like crazy. I saw pics of her today with her mom Beth down at Seaside and was just blown away. WHERE does the time go? Or, to quote Axl, where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go? So shout out to Baby G! I see you there. Your daddy is going to buy the iPhone to make Uncle Baird jealous but he promises to still send you to college. So where have all the big summer blockbuster movies gone? Spider-Man 3 and Shrek 3 aren't even in the top 10 anymore and Pirates is near the bottom. It'll be interesting to see what kinda $$$$$ Transformers will bring in. More than meets the eye bizotches!! So that's about all I got for this evening. I'd recommend you get yourself 7 tacos and some beer and make an evening out of it, then make a mix cd and write about it in your blog for the entire planet to read...or in this case, around 8 people. I am living the dream man!!! Hey keep it down over there! On the real to real, you know the drill - STAY FLY - 24/7/365.....

SHAKEN not STIRRED AFTERNOON

This is how it's going down. Back in the building y'all. Jazzy Jeff and CL Smooth playing in the background, sun shining down where they claimed there would be rain, and your host - me - up in this mutha sippin' on Skyy Berry and white grape fruit juice. Not too bad. Gotta experiment with this one a bit. So Max is off with his mom for a week and I'm Max-less. I got a pic of him on the train, looking out the window. Great stuff. I know he's excited to go and he said he'd miss me so that's all good. When I'm with him next week at this time it'll be just that much better. My martini glass I'm drinking out of has this blue swirl that goes around the glass...FLY. You know how we do it. Comin' from the westside, westside. It's hittin' on the westside, westside. So after dropping off Max, I went and got gas and was delighted to fill up the Passat for an almost even 40 bucks. That's the cheapest it has been in months. Hopefully a pattern will start occuring. Sat in Starbucks, drinking an orange mocha, reading Seattle Weekly. It was nice to just chill for a bit on my own. Then I went to Fred Meyer to go grocery shopping. I see a spot. PRIME spot. Away from carts and other cars - the best spot on the lot. I'm clearly not paying attention to anything else but the spot and zip right in. I'm grabbing my stuff, about to get out when I hear this tap-tap-tap. An older gentlemen is standing outside my car so I open my door. I took his spot. He had been waiting, I wasn't paying attention, and I took his spot! I felt like an idiot. I apologized, explaining that it was not intentional, and told him I would move so he could have the spot. He refused, telling me that he would find another one across the way and that I was a real gentleman in the way I handled the situation. I wait until he parks, get out and shake his hand on the way into the store, telling him how stupid I feel. He again repeated how nice I was about everything and not to worry - "you're a nice young man". I guess proof of that was me getting ID'ed for the beer in the store and again over at the liquor store when I picked up my Skyy and some more Bacardi Razz. Bottomline - pay attention to what the hell you're doing. Don't become a victim of not-paying-attention-itis. Criminal minded, you've been blinded, lookin' for a style like mine, you can't find it. I ain't no joke, I used to let the mic smoke. 1989, the number, another summer, get down, sound of the funky drummer! Once I got home from the store, I made lunch and threw on one of my old vhs tapes with a bunch of old hip hop videos...came across this 3rd Bass spotlight from RapCity...so dope. All their videos and interview snippets from Serch and Daddy Rich (not sure where Pete Nice was at)....glad I still have those joints on tape. Classic classic...better than I ever been...timeless timeless. Max tagged up his leg before he left for his trip. Normally he'll grab my Sharpie (non-toxic) and write "Max" on his leg. Today, he wrote "Daddy". That should be there for a couple days. Hell to the yeah, that's my boy. So I hope you're having a good Saturday. Remember that tomorrow is the lord's day and you wanna praise the lord. Can I get an amen? Amen. Ah praise the lord ah praise the lord. God bless you and big baby jesus. On the real to real what the deal? I babble like this, I babble like that, I babble with the whiffle ball bat soooo.....in closing, get yourself some Skyy Berry and check the website - skyy.com - to mix some ish up. Do it do it do it. I'm gonna mix myself up another right about now so may big baby jesus be with you. I know it's only Saturday...I'm just sayin' though! IGOTCHOO! Stay fly all day every day.....

THA BIGGY-IGGY-BLOG DAMN DIGGY!

And now may I present to you, a 180 from last night's blog. Drum roll please....KA-BLAM! Yes yes y'all and ya don't stop. Hold up...actually, we gotta stop, only for a moment....just so....I can get...something...to DRINK. Get UR drink on. This is totally unscripted. OHHH MOMMY! Stella Artois anyone? That's nice. I could have used one of these when I was watching everyone in animated form, go through the motions in Shrek 3 - not that I was a fan of the first 2, although the 2nd one was pretty damn funny in parts. What's important is that Max liked it. "That was totally awesome dad...high five!" Nothing makes me happier than moments like that. My mind was wandering through out the movie. Near the end, it was just really hard to concentrate. Concentrate...concentrate. Wonder how many copies XZIBIT's last album sold? "Concentrate" slams. Roll out with that...BUMP BUMP BUMP. So are Tupac and Johnny Cash just kickin' it right about now? Why is there no new music coming out anymore that I'm interested in?? It has been MONTHS since I have bought something new. I've heard of NOTHING new coming out this summer that even sparks my interest. The times in the music business they are a changin'. Plans for this weekend include a whole lot of nothing. I will be Max-less for the next week which will be really, really, really, really odd - but I suppose I can use that time as a break, not that I really need one...or maybe I do and I just don't know it yet. So I backed the Passat up into a freaking WALL this morning when I was parking. Just a slight tap, wasn't going fast or anything but got out and felt like a complete idiot. Me, freak about my vehicle (I can admit it) and I back it up into a wall. Smooth. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. Damn I don't like the allergy fever. The congestion is coming and going and it's messin' with the kid...nothing a cold bottle of Stella won't fix though. Word'em up. Word to your cat(s). Word to your uncle. Whose house? RUN'S HOUSE!!!!! I ate chocolate today that made my teeth hurt...thanks mommy. Like I said, totally and completely unscripted. Just when you think I'm going in one direction I bust a left and head in another. Where is Dave Chappelle? Charlie Murphy, would you like some pancakes? Tomorrow, I'm gonna get me some g'damn Lucky Charms...and some Honey Smacks?....Sugar Smacks? Smack-e-smack-smacks? Whatever they're called - the puffed wheat coated in sugar. Gimme some of THAT! You can get with this or you can get with that...you can get with this cause this is where it's at. Go listen to Black Sheep "A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing" - damn fine album, one that kinda sat in the shadows of A Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul - even if there was more to them than "The Choice Is Yours" and "Flavor Of The Month". I think they had 4 singles off that joint - unheard of today. Think about it. Jay-Z, biggest rapper on the planet, head of Def Jam, releases his last album and had...what?....2 singles? 2 videos? Oh, and that was my point - Black Sheep had the singles AND the videos to go along with them. Record labels actually used to take the time to work a project over time instead of the album being "done" in 3 to 4 weeks. Thank you Stella and Absolut Mandarin for contributing greatly to this ramble...but it's unscripted - the real deal. You've never met anyone like me in your LIFE. Microphone checka, one-two-checka. I wonder what DAS EFX are doing...right.....NOW? So if we put the iggy here and the diggy here, we should have a hit. Shhhhit, if Bone Thugs N Harmony can come back, you KNOW that a DAS EFX comeback album is right around the corner....and I would LOVE IT. Their first one is praised as a classic, and rightfully so, but their second joint - Straight Up Sewaside - OHMYGGGGAWD, I played tha SHHHIT out that album!! No joke! CLASSIC to me. Classic. Had to spell it again. Looks funny all in caps. Thank you again to our special guests, Stella and Absolut...wanna thank you for coming through. Lucky Charms, we'll get to your punk azz tomorrow. Hold ya head. Represent to the fullest. And dammit, above all - STAY FLY. You know the drill...YA HEARD?!

LUCKY CHARMS

I am sick to death of the bullshit. Here he goes again scaring people to death. Unfortunately, no green clovers or purple horseshoes at the moment. I'll get back to it...maybe in this blog, but for now allow me to say: EFF THE BULLSHIT. I will call you on it time and time again. The darkness just tried calling me. The power of rejection is something else. You can get the finger. What finger? The middle. Are you going to make that change or are you just going to keep babbling, talking loud and ain't sayin' NUTHIN'. Round and round and round we go. You need to step it up with a quickness - consequences can be a muthafucka man. Where is that happy face? On vacation, just for a second, I swear. My therapist is closing down shop after 25 years and moving to the mid-west to be with her sister in law who is dying of cancer. How sad. I enjoyed building with her, facing my demons, and coming out of it a spectacular human being. I'm a good one. I always have been, but I'm extra fucking good now. Sometimes you just wanna hit delete....or in this case, again with the darkness, the reject button is wonderful. It feels so good. Why do I have to deal with all this crap? Why am I walked on and taken advantage of time and time again? The gloves are off. I am stronger and, quite honestly, don't have time, not a second, to deal with this. You rub me the wrong way, you're gettin' dumped on. You come at me twisted, dumped on. I don't wanna have to...you think I like feeling like this? I feel all fucked up right about now, stressed the fuck out, ulcers coming back...catch a heart attack and put your back up against the wall. You can get it, get it, get it...yeah. So tired, worn down, worn out....and yet, reinvigorated and recharged and ready to roll out. This week has been a mixed bag. When it's been good, it has been off the scales of good. When it's been bad, really, I feel like I'm gonna snap. How much more of this can I possibly take? How much longer must I be subjected to this kind of behavior. I just really needed to get this out. Nothing happy about it and I apologize. I like the kinds of blogs where I'm a rambling, alcohol influenced mess. But it's a fun mess. This is just a mess. I'm not mr.friendly, I can be a prick, if you tempt me my tank gets on empty, no patience is in me and if you offend me I'm liftin' you 10 feet in the air, I don't care.............but I do. I care about my boy. I care about him above anything on the planet. You mess with him, you're messing with me and you don't want that. Really? You don't want that. It's my responsibility, one that I take seriously, to make sure that he is cared for and loved in every way possible. He knows I love him, now more than ever. There's no time like the present to make yourself a better person, in some way, shape or form. I strive for that, striving for that happiness. I can see it, feel it and know that I am well on my way. Thanks for reading and stay fly. Capital F, capital L, capital Y. You heard..................

FISTFUL of STEEL

Whut up? Guess what? I have been divorced since May 7th. Oh, you didn't know? NEITHER DID I. It's kinda like the icing on the cake after the past 48 hours of hell I've had to go through. It's a wonderful feeling though, I have to say. Overjoyed could be a word to describe it. Watch out for those buses though. Careful now. Know your enemy. So now that I've got that ish out of the way, a big fat CONGRATULATIONS goes out to my main man Chris Champagne and the lovely Eveliina. He popped the question while on vacation in Phuket. Is that perfection or what? It goes without saying I wish them nothing but the absolute best. I met Eveliina two summers ago while I was in Helsinki and she compliments my man perfectly. CHEERS to the both of you as I raise my glass of wine in your direction. Ladies ladies ladies...if you've got hair that goes past the middle part of your back...if you're got hair that's all the way down to dat azz...for real for real, you need to cut that shit. I'm just sayin' though. What a damn day. I move past it, focused on the future (which appears to be bright times a million) and stay fly...stay fly. Dammit, I missed Hell's Kitchen. Hey, are you a good communicator? You're not? You like to keep everything inside and expect people to read your mind? You can catch an F to the YOU. Why is something so simple so impossible for people? Why is the sky blue and the grass green? Why is my glass empty? We have ways of dealing with these kinds of issues. I've been Ambien-free for a good week now, if not more, and I sleep better than I have in a long time. Gotta get some curtains for this joint though. I swear it's BRIGHTER with the blinds OPEN than it is when they are SHUT. Annoying early morning sunshine and/or birds chirping. Die birdy die. I've been a vegetarian for a good 16+ years now, I am allowed to wish for one little bird to die. Eat your chiken nuggets with a big ol' smile on your face. Dippin' in that bbq sauce. That's real white meat. No, for real, I swear! I got a happy meal for you, c'mere...! Look, I'm just sayin'...IGOTCHOO. WHUTITDOO WHUTITDOO?! Ninjaaaa!! Where all my NINJAS at?! A ninja with a vacuum cleaner is no joke son! I leave you off now with evidence from Saturday evening....HOWWEDOO....stay F to the L to the Y.....all day, every day........

ENTER the DRAGON

Party people...in the place to be....can I get an amen? AMEN. 24 hours ago it was ON. Bounced over to the eastsiiiiide to kick it with SamMan and Serafin and we did the damn thing up RIGHT. Go our eat on, our drink on AND our smoke on. Smoked a fatty sumthin' sumthin' that Serafin brought over, drank a little more of that VSOP (it's how I dooooo) then lit up a CUBAN to complete the evening. Also dined on this chocolate decadence cake which was more like a torte....and muthafucka, you better cut that with a warm knife!! DO IT DO IT DO IT...uh huh. Something about the drive home, feeling just fine with Joss Stone coming out the speakers, that made everything a-o-k. Good evening sheriff. Happy Father's Day to ME. Happy Father's Day to SamMan...Serafin...The Warrior Of Chaos...T-Diggy fa-shiggy-iggy-iggy....and you, if you happen to be a father reading this. Yeah, all 8 of you muthafuckaz reading this. BOO-YA, you're lookin' at her from the rear. So yesterday evening was good...24 hours ago, damn good....and it was made all the more better when a NINJA, dressed in black, came out onto the balcony and was, in my mind, about to do some damage with a vacuum cleaner. N I N J A ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! That's how he rolls. He had two other peeps over there with him...but they weren't ninjas. You kinda wonder, behind the closed doors, behind the shades, could that dude really be plotting and refining and perfecting his ninja skillz? SKILLZ with a ZED...whut?! We all dressed in black, we snuck up around the back.....EGG MAN!!!!! Damn the Beastie Boys "Paul's Boutique" album is a GREAT fooking record. That's one of those albums that DEMANDS a re-release, all re-mastered and pretty but probably will never happen due to all the samples they'd have to clear. Shame. So it is Father's Day and make no mistake about it, I was heated for a good six hours of it. No need to go into details but here's the bottom line, and check yourself before you wreck yourself, I am one of the best father's on the planet. I know how to love and care for my child. I know what my priorities are and where they are AT. I got people who I don't even talk to any more reminding me of what a great father I am. I can say and repeat it over and over again cause, to quote Brother Ali, "the truth is here, the truth is here". If I wanted to take it back 10 years I could quote The X-Files (damn I miss that show) and say "the truth is out there". But it's whatever. I know how great of a father I am. I know what MY priorities are in regards to my son. I don't babble about that. I back those words UP. This ain't no game or no kind of fucking joke. Watch it. You might catch a bad one. 2 minutes after 10 and I think that's about all that really needs to be said on this fine Sunday evening. So drink a little somethin'...a little wine...maybe a little champagne...a shot or two of Absolut Mandarin...pour yourself a nice glass of VSOP and just do the damn thing. Oh, and shout out to Champagne and Eveliina (MIKROWAVE!!) who are in Phuket this very minute. Cheers to you from Seatown - this is how we get down. Stay fly....stay fly....stay fly....stay fly................

ALLERGY FEVER

Attention! This just in! Allergy fever is sweeping the nation! I must have woken up four or five times last night. Why? The allergy fever of course. If you don't know about it you better get up on it. Oh shit doctor, I think I might have the allergy fever! There is no known cure. Except french toast. That cures everything. Actually it's a combo - french toast and the Fugees "The Score" album. When's the last time you listened to it? You don't own a copy? Liar. Everyone does. They sold a ba-zillion copies of that mutha. So a couple blogs ago I went off about how good Rakim is...and he IS....but I'll be damned if Lauryn Hill doesn't give him and everyone else who has ever touched a mic, a run for their money. Lauryn is nasty. She's one of those emcee's that tops herself with every additional verse. Listen to any of her rhymes on The Score and try and tell me she's not one of the best to ever do it. Impossible. G'damn allergy fever is effin' with the kid. Al Pacino was on Larry King yesterday for the full hour...some great insight into the man and where he came from and why he does what he does. If you don't try something, how will you ever find out if you're any good at it? He's got this dvd box set coming out with Looking For Richard (which is great) and 3 or 4 other films which he put together with his own money that were never released - until now. He also mentioned that they are going to re-release Scarface on dvd AGAIN, this time with a hip hop soundtrack. Totally and completely unnecessary but anything to make a buck I guess. Ocean's 13 was good, not spectacular, but good. Pacino and Ellen Barkin were great...of course. More symptoms of allergy fever keep on popping up...my eyes be mad itchy son! WHUT?! I got an email from Kaves from Lordz Of Brooklyn this morning...he will be designing a tattoo for me which I am very excited about. lordzofbrooklyn.com I think I may be experiencing writers block, possibly another symptom of the dreaded allergy fever. That allergy fever is no joke kid! That allergy fever be some breaking news son! I'd recommend you throw on The Miseducation Of Lauryn Hill too while you're revisiting The Score. She kills it on there too. Oh, and did I mention that I got my car washed and then it got rained on the next day? Not pleased. Not happy about that but you know I gotta keep it movin'. WHUTITDOO WHUTITDOO?! Gonna get together with SamMan and Serafin later on today...an early father's day celebration for our damn selfs. Hopefully the allergy fever will not take me out by then. I'm trying to stay strong but it may be winning. This might be my last blog ever. Man dies due to the allergy fever. OH...and what up with this? A coworker said to me yesterday "Baird, lots of people like you so there would be a lot of people at your funeral". REALLY?! Really? They must know about the allergy fever and failed to mention it to me. Stay strong party people in the place to be. Ever wonder...ever think about this for a second? I grew up not having allergies. Now I do have allergies. When I got the allergies, what did I do? I went and got some Claritin. What if it's a government conspiracy - that they put just enough medicine in the Claritin to make you feel a little better, but also just enough of something else to make sure you never quite get over the allergies? Then you never quite get over the allergies and keep on buying the medicine and they make a ba-zillion dollars from the average person. Apparently, the allergy fever also makes the average person paranoid as well. Is it too early in the morning for a drink? Whether you're suffering from the allergy fever or not, I'd recommend that you stay fly all day every day. That's my word........

THINK OF THEM as an ACCESSORY

Really? Really?! Alright so it's a Thursday night and my car is all washed and I conditioned the leather and I'm feeling pretty damn good about that. I also made tacos for dinner and grubbed on six of the muthasuckaz. I put it DOWN. Keep it on lock. WhutitDOO?! Stay fly movement is in full effect. So I'm glad I didn't see it when it was out and I'm glad I didn't pay money to rent it. I'd like to thank my public library for having it but I might make a recommendation when I take 'movie in question' back. A disclaimer, something to the effect of 'you've seen all the good parts in the preview' or 'not as funny as everyone and their mother said it was' I think would be very helpful. I would have seen it anyway, even with a warning label on it, but I'll be damned if BORAT was the most unfunny movie ever. Really? Not niiiiice. It's not a nice movie. It showcases rednecks who are already stupid to begin with and then laces the rest of the film with underlying negativity. While it did have some funny parts in it (the NYC subway, the driving school) it seemed like every scene was set up and just when you were about to really get into it, they changed locations. Would he REALLY have walked out of that fucking rodeo with his limbs still attached and not a mark on him? Really? Doubtful. I find many of the scenes suspect and set up and it just ran as false and hateful. But don't listen to me and don't read the warning label which I will attach to every copy of Borat I come across. I know many people who loved it...I just wasn't one of them. Moving right along....if you want funny, watch The Office. THAT is funny. Just as a sidenote, Natalie Portman wearing headphones in Garden State = hotness. It's been Lady Sovereign week - I can't stop listening to Public Warning or her Vertically Challenged EP which I just took in the Passat for the first time today. BOOM BOOM BOOM. I want my 2 dollars! I'm gonna cut this one short as I really really really really need to catch some zzz's. But fear not true believer, like the lightning I'll be there before the thunder...rock rock y'all and ya don't dare stop. Ocean's 13 this weekend and another get together with the SamMan and Serafin, complete with VSOP and cigars, is just around the corner. Funny how I say I'm going to sign off and I just keep going and going and going and going......stay fly. zzzz....oh, and to you muthafuckaz who try and talk like Borat, shut the fuck up! Niiiiiiice. Damn that was not a funny movie. It's made me very angry...no wonder dude got beat down when he was promoting it. Oh, and one final thing - I swear - Borat was weak!! No, that's not it - tomorrow is Bob Barker's last day on The Price Is Right. Somehow I will find a way to jam the ABC signal at 10 tomorrow morning and have the feed from CBS beamed in at work to every tv in the building. I'm a genius. To quote MC Ren, I'm a fuckin' mad scientist...here he goes again scaring people to death. There. Happy now? Borat STILL isn't very good and this has gone on way longer than I had expected. Do I have to tell you again? No problem - STAY FLY.

DON'T be MAD, UPS is HIRING

Pack the gat a lot, the flav's about to drop. So this blog would be a considered a makegood in my little world of television. I missed doing the blog last night, so this is the still-as-fly-as-ever makegood. Let it flow, let yourself go, slow and low that is the tempo. That's the joint, that's the jam, turn that shit up and play it again. I might be getting sick. Sick of work? Sick of life? No. Sick, like might feel a cold coming on sick, but I'm fighting! Absolut and orange juice will put any bug in check...and help me to get my much needed rest. Always thinking, that Baird guy...always thinking. If I haven't recommended it before (but I know I have) please add Lady Sovereign to your music collection. There was a guy getting out of his Porsche in the garage at work when I was leaving and I kinda rolled up behind him as he was walking into the building, bumping "A Little Bit Of Shhh" which, if you have the album, you KNOW that ish BUMPS to no end. He kept on looking behind him as he was walking as if to say "please don't hurt me". I should have rolled down my window and said "I want my two dollars!!". It was very funny. Maybe you had to be there, but trust me on this one - FUNNY. Is "Better Off Dead" on dvd? It must be...seems like everything else is. Gotta get that...also gotta get that re-release of The Breakfast Club on dvd too. So many things I want, so little money. I admire from afar, thinking to myself, that is so damn fly...but I can wait. I was thinking of calling my therapist. Yes, the reason you haven't seen me (or my money for the sessions) is because you have been replaced by a blog. This is really great stuff. I feel so damn good in the last month or so. Moments of grumpy-ass behavior, combined with stress but, all in all, couldn't be much happier right about now. It's nice, coming out of where I came from. Good thing I started writing these blogs AFTER the storm hit. Wouldn't have been very fun to read and that would be wicky to the wicky-wicky wack like dat. You can get with this or you can get with that. You can get with this cause this is where it's at. I started to watch Borat tonight...saw maybe the first 20 minutes or so then turned it off. He says/does some really crazy ish in that movie. Not sure if I'll watch the rest or not...feel like I should be watching it with a big group of people, drinking rather heavily. Eyelids are getting heavy and only 3 more days until the final Price Is Right with Bob Barker. I read they're gonna air in twice, once in the morning and once at night, probably at 8 I would imagine. Alright I'm out this biz-notch. A word to the wise, on the real to real, stay fly.......(I want my two dollars!).........

TONIGHT I'M a ROCK N ROLL STAR

Today was gonna be the day they were gonna throw it back to you... About 20 minutes ago, I thought I might pass out. Oh hell, he's drinking alone again. No I'm not...I'm just TIRED. I did whip up five super size tacos and consumed them with a Corona but, other than that and an after dinner Bacardi, I'm GOOD. "After Dinner Bacardi"...somebody make a note of that one. I can tell you I did absolutely NOTHING this morning. Max liked the camp out in the living room and I had no problem not tearing down camp until sometime after 11. We got our grocery shop on, had lunch, then headed back out again to Borders and Toys R Us. To you parents at Toys R Us with the children who scream like their legs are being cut off, here's a suggestion. There's this amazing invention called the internet - use it. Go to toysrus.com and stay home with your ear piercing little monsters. Oh Baird, you're so mean. Oh really get over it. Tomorrow is Monday and you know what that means? Neither do I. Another week, another dollar, makes me wanna holler. HOLLAATCHABOY!! I wonder what US3 are doing right this very minute. Biddy-biddy-bop...funky funky! Yeah, really? Not so much. The remix that Eric "Vietnam" Sadler did of Cantaloop though, THAT was funky. Got that on cassette somewhere around here. All praise be to the early hip hop releases getting proper re-release treatment. Kool G Rap & DJ Polo, Schooly D, Masta Ace...all getting that deluxe treatment, and it's about time!! Don't slip money grip, it's called word to the third. Oh, and the Beastie Boys are releasing a new album, all instrumental any day now. I heard 2 tracks from it that nearly put me to sleep. Hey kid, throw on that new Beastie Boys record...they play their instruments on it, badly. I just don't see the point. Oh, no, wait...they know they'll make a ba-zillion dollars off it....or maybe not. It'll be interesting to see I guess. I am experiencing that fading feeling again. Will post this sucker up as soon as someone tells me what Lady Kier from Deee-Lite is doing. No joke, "Dewdrops In The Garden" (their last album if you don't count the remix project) still gets major play...could be released tomorrow and would still stand up just fine. I am about to do the opposite and go lay down, kickin' it in the land of Zed's. Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead. On the real to real, what the deal? You know the drill - stay fly - all day, every day. *breaking news* Lady Kier will be in Seattle on August 1st at the Lake Superior Gay Pride Festival. www.ladykier.com Say WORD! Stay fly........

WHERE'S the ENEMY? WHO do I INVADE?

I could go for some Eric B & Rakim right about now. Name an emcee better than Rakim. Go ahead. All you new jack swing kids spit out your Jeezy's and your Lil' Wayne's and your Jay-Z's and your Tupac's and your Biggie's and all that garbage ass. Give me some ill fucking rhymes with some substance - BOOM - Rakim. Chuck D, KRS ONE, Kool G Rap...all contenders...but I really don't think anyone is messin' with Rakim. The GOD. The 18th letter...forever. Paid In Full, Follow The Leader, Let The Rhythm Hit'em and Don't Sweat The Technique. Don't got'em? GET'EM. Shit, Paid In Full has been released and re-re-re-released about 26 times now....you should own at least 2 copies. You should be able to recite the R's verses in your sleep. You listen to hip hop and you don't follow Rakim? You can catch an F to the U. I'm not talking about the Fu-Schnickens. Know the culture, respect the architects. I've had a busy day today with the M to the A to the X. We went to Gameworks, Seattle Center for lunch, over to Pacific Science Center and then to The Childrens Museum. No joke, this daddy is worn OUT. He had a great time...even going as far to say "you're the best daddy ever!" at one point. My boy is also into Everclear's "Everything To Everyone"...funny. Good song..."Sparkle And Fade" was a great album. Not sure what happened after that. Oh well....my blog seems to be really really focusing on music recently. I rant and rave about this and that, but I can't help it. I feel very connected to this ish...I KNOW MY ISH. With the boom-boom-bap-the-boom-BAM. That's a sample in a song but I couldn't tell you from where at this particular moment in time. Corona's and Bacardi are messin' with the kid. Don't be JELLY. Pour your own...get you some!! Max and I are having a "sleepover" tonight...in the living room...his idea. Funny boy. I've decided I'm not going to see Ocean's 12...Clooney and Soderbergh have both dissed it in recent articles and interviews saying that they were just going through the motions. Bastards. I knew the bad reviews were true. Fuck, I can't seem to type properly up in this mutha. Type type tippy tippy type type. Don't be JELLY of my superior blog writing skillz. Skillz with a Z...whut?! In Canada, it's not "zee", it's "zed"...that ish is retarded. Hey homie, did you hear that new album by ZED ZED Top? It's the bomb kid!! I'm gonna go catch some ZED's yo. W...X...Y...and...ZED. Seriously fucking RE to tha DIC and if ya don't know, now ya KNOW! Alright, this is clearly getting out of control. I am going to step in now and take myself away from this silly azz computer. "Publish Post"? Ya damn right I will. For the world to see! Shout out to my man Champagne and his lovely girlfriend Eveliina (2 i's in the name, now that's gangsta!!) who will be departing for Hong Kong for a week and then off to Phuket for a week after that. I'll see you guys there in 2008. That's my word, you're gettin' served. Somebody get the Bacardi away from this bastard...for real, on the real to real, what the deal? WHUTITDOO SHORTY?! If you're gonna do anything, do it up right and make sure you come through with the flyness. Need I say more? Stay fly on the regular.....I'm out....

I KNOW PEOPLE who can REALLY HURT

Would I like another glass of Absolut Mandrin and orange pineapple banana juice? Yes. Yes I would. I don't mind if I do. Now raise your glass (but watch ya self) and send a happy birthday shout out to Meilina. DO it DO it DO it...uh huh. Happy birthday to you. We had cupcakes from Cupcake Royale (royale with cheese biz-otches!) at work today. I believe they may be changing their name to orgasmic biggety bomb cakes. They do cupcakes up RIGHT. The red velvet cupcakes? FORGETABOUTIT. The chocolate one I had...FORGETABOUTIT. Why do people rave about Johnny Depp now when he was making far superior films like Donnie Brasco almost 10 years ago? Pirates sh-mi-rates, that's what I say. Ocean's 13 is out today but I'll have to wait until next week to check it out since I've got Max this weekend. That'll give me the next 7 days to rent Ocean's 12 since I never saw it. So I almost snapped at work today...when you gotta work with biz-otches who come at you sideways, there's only so much you're gonna take. I've reached my boiling point. Someone really is gonna catch that shelltoe to the side of the head...BLAM! Prince is on a Verizon commercial...a Verizon commercial. BIZARRE. Really Prince, are you that strapped for ca$h? Cash rules everything around me, cream get the money, dollar dollar bill y'all....YEAH. That piano loop on C.R.E.A.M. is sick...I hope WuTang comes back strong with their new album this summer. RZA just needs to pull out all the stops...get back to that grimey, unpolished sound. Say what you want about Kanye but I went back and revisited "The College Dropout" and that is still one of the best hip hop albums in recent years...lyrically, musically, it's fucking magic time. Jesus Walks still slams like CRRRRAZY. I predict his new album will be average at best but I've been wrong before. One things for certain, that new single is garbage stanky stank stank garbage....kinda like the fucking cloud of lotion death I had to walk through earlier today. Really? REALLY?! Did someone die and you bottled it up and sold it as ASS LOTION from the depths of hell? G'damn that DJ made my day. So a FLATLINE tattoo is in the works...I'm hoping the one known as Mr.Kaves from Lordz of Brooklyn will be able to hook it up. Go check out those limited edition Lordz t-shirts over at lordzofbrooklyn.com...they got MAJOR MAJOR fucking players to design them...Haze, Lee, Futura....NO JOKE. I'm trying to justify spending the money to get all of them. SICK. whutitdoo? whutitdoo?! So lemme finish this drink and bounce. Have yourself a merry little evening...pour yourself a drink...think to yourself, life is a-o-k....and stay fly. Period. Pointblank. And it don't dare stop. Cheers.......

LICENSED to ILL

You know, sometimes you just wanna let loose, pour yourself a nice drink and watch "Glitter" starring Mariah Carey. (damn, is he STILL talking about that biz-notch?) One last time...I swear it. There, I'm done. I still can't believe Bob Barker didn't cry. (damn is he STILL talking about that old ass mutha...?) I would recommend anyone with a text package on their cell phone get unlimited texts. You're gonna go over. You got 400 texts a month, you're going over. 1000 texts a month? Guess what? You're gonna go over that too. Let me be the one to show you the ways of the force...let it guide your actions. Get unlimited texts...which are jumping up from 10 cents to 15 cents a pop soon. Ree to tha dic. (say whut?!) Don't be JELLY. Stay fly and keep-keep-keep-keep it on. La-di-da-di we likes to party, we don't cause trouble, we don't bother nobody. Is Marley Marl okay? Anyone? Anyone? We might know if Paris Hilton wasn't the second word out of everyone's mouth. I bet Bush sits up in his little white house and is like, I love me some Paris Hilton. She takes up the top stories in news, weather AND sports and shadows the fact that kids are going overseas to get shot up and shot at and blown the fuck up. Really...Bush is lovin' him some Paris Hilton, trust me. Tomorrow, it's Friday and you ain't got shit to do! MAN!! I've been up with Max since 5:45 this morning, this is not alcohol talking. Not even a drop. mmmmm DROP!!! Anyone hear how the Beastie Boys show at The Crocodile was? I bet it was crazy good. As long as it wasn't an instrumental set...that shit would put me to sleep. Stop playing instruments and pick up your freakin' microphones....or just retire altogether. You got enough money, damn. Can I get some of that for these bills, bills, bills? The Warrior Of Chaos sent me an mp3 of a track we did together a couple years back...me on the mic, produced by the man, sample of Kurt Cobain on the hook....CUT A DEAL. So I have to ask...would you eat fruit and vegetables and meat left out on a counter top, not on ice, for 6 hours? Gross. Would you eat meat on a stick at 9 in the morning? Really? REALLY?! I have to deal with ish like that...and the fact I can barely keep my eyes open. Lemme get this sucker posted and I am audi 5000. Tomorrow, 31 years ago, a baby girl was born in the Bronx. If you see her, better say happy birthday or catch a shelltoe to the back of the head. oooo, that's gonna leave a mark. Handle your business before your business handle you. Rock rock and don't stop. Above all, no matter what, no matter what the circumstances, stay fly...and do it do it dooooo it.....uh huh...........

DON'T CALL it a COMEBACK

I had a vision of love....ooo darling cause you'll always be my baby....it's just a sweet sweet fantasy baby....dreamlover you've got the best of me...break break breakdown, steady breakin' me on down....cause we belong together.....Mariah, you on fire. Alright, now that I've got that wHackness out of my system we can get down to business with a quickness! Bob Barker didn't cry during the taping of his final show which airs next week. Dammit, I wanted the old man to cry. Cry dammit. Remember Dian Parkinson? My first crush I think. Don't give me no fuckin' attitude I'm just showin' you how this rapper do. Oh mommy! The legendary MARLEY MARL suffered a heart attack yesterday. Let's hope that the man who produced countless classics for the likes of LL Cool J, Masta Ace and Big Daddy Kane pulls through. Scott Storch would never have a heart attack but somehow someone like Marley Marl has to go through all that. Lady Sovereign has 2 new remixes and a live track up at iTunes...also caught the commercial for the iPhone - June 29th. SICK. Sick sick sick. The Warrior Of Chaos will possess it within the next month and then I will be one jealous bastard. Did I mention that thing is sick? SICK. Disgustingly sick. Somebody get me a bucket. I cooked up the world famous Pasta A La Baird tonight while drinking some merlot which eventually just gave me a headache. I'll stick with one glass from now on...or just with the Absolut. Anyways, the pasta consists of lots of garlic, onion, tomato, olive oil, sugar, a lil' salt n peppar....I hook it UP. I hadn't made it in awhile so it was extra extra good with that angel hair pasta. YUM. True dat...HOWUDOODAT?! I'm not sure I have much more babbling in me this evening. Last night's blog was like a 2 in 1 so I think it'll be okay if I just post this sucker up as is and come back tomorrow for more ramblings and slurrings of words. Tired. In my best David Letterman - GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!!! I'm out......stay fly...

The ANSWER is D) ALL OF THE ABOVE

Warning. The following blog contains explicit thoughts and ideas. It may also talk about your mother. Readers weak of heart may want to turn back now or read one of my previous blogs where I babble about nothing. There's many to chose from, but for now, THIS. You biz-otches. You tricks. You silly ass hookers. The last time I checked we were not in the 4th grade. If you got something to say, come out and say it. I spend more time with these biz-otches than I do with Max, so either A CHANGE GONNA COME or I got to go. T and M will echo (no, not Ecko) my statements in dolby surround sound to make your eardrums pop. Really? Really?! Really. A shout goes out to Stacie who is back from NYC and continues to be one of the funniest people I've come across in recent years and is the one person on the planet who doesn't have a blog, but absolutely SHOULD. (I believe that was a run-on sentence. My apologies) One day, I hope to have a keg in my garage. For now, I just roll with the Absolut Mandarin and some oj. Delicious. Refreshing. Shake dat azz but watch ya self! So you thought I was done with my little rant about the biz-otches and the tricks? I'm not done. Did you see me do something? You did? You didn't. Don't fucking yell at me from across the office for some shit I didn't do. Really? REALLY? F dat. You're getting on my damn nerves. Nerves be snappin' like this, that and this and uhh. On Monday I was ol'grumpy bastard. I pushed people away who have always been there for me. That makes me feel bad. They know who they are. I apologize. The leveling out in my life is finally happening, although there's of course other stress that comes along with it. I just want those closest to me to know that I am not ol'grumpy bastard, that if I haven't made time like I used to, it's not a permanent thing. I had 3 random people, not close to me, call me on the dark cloud floating over my head yesterday. I had to shake-shake-shake-shake-shake it off. That was and will be the only time I reference Mariah in one of my blogs. I apologize. I should delete the evidence, but there it is. Alright, so there...there you have it. A peak inside. I feel like a new beginning is finally, finally upon me. It scares me half to death but I think that's okay and completely normal. Oh, and just to re-visit one more biz-otch, I wish I could sit at my desk all day and download iTunes music and IM people constantly. That would be so righteous. Trick. Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge. So how's everybody doing tonight? You good? You cool? Alright then. But are you fly? Gotta be fly, gotta stay fly. Gotta rock-rock and don't stop. I've only had one drink, I swear. Yes, this one is definitely all over the place. Ocean's 13 is opening on Friday. I haven't seen Ocean's 12 but don't really need to. The name Pacino is enough to get me to go see it on the big screen. Word'em up. Oh, and my final rant (I think)...if you know you've done wrong and you have to ask the person you've done wrong if you've done wrong, then you're a trick too. BOO-YA! You're lookin' at her from the rear. Only a couple hip hop quotes in this one kids...Dilated Peoples somewhere near the top and Digital Underground. This blog has become therapy for me. I love it. I was going to a therapist, which I recommend, but this has kinda taken their place and I think that's good and healthy. If I feel like I'm slipping, I can always go back. Did you hear Baird was going to see a therapist? That kid must be ffffucked up MAN! I'm not. I feel like I'm finally getting to be the person who I always knew I could be. I'm proud of myself. I'm the happiest I've been in quite some time and I can't get "Doggystyle" out of my car. BUMP BUMP BUMP. That is also the only B2K reference you'll read in my blog too so enjoy it. Remember Domino? Dude just popped into my head. The Getto Jam is about to slam....I'm so fly, you so fly, gotta get a taste of that Sweet Potatoe Pie! I can take it back to 93 anytime I want. This is my blog, you just read in it. Oh, and I just read that Bob Barker's last show on The Price Is Right will air on June 15th. I might have to take the morning off to watch it or at least get it on tape. Word'em up. WHUTITDOO?! Stay fly..........

D A R K N E S S

Once again it's on.....I mean, really, how could one be expected to write blogs when it's been 80+ degrees the last couple days? As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. What's that?...you haven't watched Goodfellas recently? You might wanna get on that. Every frame of that film is genius...every performance...every shot. Scorsese is a master. Gotta watch Casino again too. For those of you who are sitting around in 80+ degree weather like myself, may I suggest a drink to help you get through it? 7-up, Bacardi Razz, splash of grenadine and a slice of lime. The homie T-Diggy mixed that up for me a summer or two ago and I've been drinking it ever since. Also make sure to have some Coronas with lime on hand as well. You'll thank me for it later. Got together with The Warrior Of Chaos on Thursday at the mighty mighty Easy Street. Wait...I missed my man's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY to KENNETH J BODENSTEINER. He's 30-something. We both are. Still kickin' it wicked...put you in shock...with political hip hop to make you drop. WHUTITDOO?! Take it back to 94 and 95 on dat azz...Bibulous Carnage in full effect suckaz!!! Ken gave me my shot on college radio and I ran with it back in 93. Was diggin' his mix of anything and everything metal, hip hop, punk, whatever on his show every Wednesday but Alaska, as you can imagine, was lacking in the hip hop department. So with The Warrior Of Chaos pushing me in the right direction, Sawdog hooking me up with the record label contacts, I got busy every Tuesday night from 10 to 1 in the morning, playing some real deal hip hop. One of these days I'll post some of my playlists. Shout out to the Sam man...we got together once again last night, got our drink on, our talk on...always enjoy my time with the man and always enjoy that VSOP. On this Sunday, the lord's day, may I suggest "Doggystyle" by Snoop Doggy Dogg? That shit BUMPS. Bump bump bump. You don't understand what I'm kickin' cause Snoop is on the mic and I gets wicked...FOLLOW ME. I gotta end this off now and head out for some breakfast with the ex and my beautiful boy but get out there...do the damn thing.....every day just keeps getting better and better. Girl they won't believe it. SO fly. Just wanna lay around and listen to some hip hop, some Tribe Called Quest, De La Soul ish. Throw on The Low End Theory and try and tell me it's not one of the best albums recorded by anyone ever. Buggin' out buggin' out buggin' out ya buggin' out. Check the RHIME y'all! What a great weekend. Really. I'm out for now but I'll be back...stay fly....